do i see snow?
finals week is almost over. my last final is on thursday, yay! music history final....should be fun. my professor thinks i'm mental. she thinks i'm going to jump off a cliff anyday now....but that's alright, at least she is concerned about my well being...!
the fish seem to be doing better, i've been doing some rigorous treatment to make sure they are cured of any ailments. i am also working on bringing down the nitrite levels...they are just too high.
i thought i had ordered some 'zines' from an underground publishing company a few weeks ago. i thought i had ordered the zines and not the t-shirt i was originally aiming for. but somehow....that did not happen. instead, i ordered the t-shirt. i really, have no idea how this happened. carl thinks its really quite humorous. i sent an email to the company asking if they could let me know what i had paid for. they said i purchased the shirt, and a month ago i had purchased a zine. that is correct. except....what happened to the stuff I THOUGHT I ORDERED?!
oh well, i went and ordered it again, or some of it. whatever i remembered, at least.
i see a psychologist, therapist..whatever you want to call him. the reason is because i have clinical depression. in other words....my depression is not triggered by any environmental issues. i don't have serious problems in my life, no changes, deaths, etc that would have caused depression. that means that i have a chemical imbalance of sorts caused by, what my psychologist believes, a growth spurt of the brain that occurs as one enters their twenties that leaves the brain vulernable to imbalances and the sort.
right, so....i had a session today. my second one with my new psychologist. his name is kenneth vanderlip, but i dont know if i should call him, "dr. vanderlip" or "ken" or "kenneth." he seems to refer to himself as "ken" but i don't know, he hasn't formally told me i can refer to him by his first name. although, i haven't had to use his name in conversation.
the point is, most people see a therapist to work out problems in their life. for example, my roommate saw a therapist over the summer to help her deal with her mom who was not dealing very well with the fact that she was going to be moving out of the house (she's never been more than 3 months away from her) and attend university a few hours away. or, another example is my mom. she saw a therapist a while back to help deal with childhood issues and i guess her relationship with my father.
but i see a therapist because...well, because people who suffer from depression need to see one. the problem is that i dont have serious set backs. as a matter of fact, i lead a generally normal life. and if anything, one that has been rather exciting. i've done a lot in my short life that many people would never dream of doing. everyone has problems. parents get divorced, your mother gets upset at you for one reason or another. but it's not life threatening or scarring. my parents divorce has not left me totally confused and guilty. as a matter of fact, my parents seem to be their happiest now that they are not living together. they go out all the time.
what i mean to say is that i don't know what to talk about in my sessions. everyday i have to rate how i feel on the 'depression scale.' 0 if i feel absolutely no depression and 10 if i feel like i'm just about ready to hang myself (or something like that). last time i saw him (a few weeks ago since last week he was out on holiday or something) i said i was about a 4. i had a new psychiatrist who said that the previous guy i saw (this is quite another story!) was not very good and said that i was on too low of a dosage, so he upped it that week. but at my session, i had not begun taking the increased amount. in other words, for the week before and up until then, i felt as though the medication was wearing off, like i was slowly progressing back to my vegetable state (really, it was horrible, i nearly ended up in the hospital). but today, i said i was about a 2.
well, good ol' kenny gave quite a surprised look. he asked, "do you think its the medication or some emotion change you've made?" i said, "i really think its the medication. i can really tell its working. i'll laugh at something that i know isn't all that funny, but i'll just laugh uncontrollably and say in mid laugh, 'i know this isn't all that funny! i just can't stop laughing!'"
today we mostly working on attitude change (when confronting tough situtations) and calming exercises. it sounds a bit silly, the last one, but i think there is a place for it. i was telling one of my roomates what i had to do and she said, "he sounds like an idiot!" i don't think he is. i think i was taking him far too out of context. i do that sometimes. he asked me if i was having any odd thoughts still or if they were becoming less. i told him that they were less, but when i felt too frustrated or sad about something, my first thought was to kill myself. and i told him that when i thought i would ask myself, 'why do i think that? why is that the first thing i think of?' he said it was because because of the depression and having been so depressed, that it becomes a defence mechanicism. i thought that was an interesting revelation. i think he's probably right.
writing this down, i think i'm realising why it is that i am see a therapist. while i don't have serious problems in my life, the thought of not having him around makes me a bit sad. he mentioned in our sessions that he's going to be 60 so he's nearing retirement. and at first i thought he meant he was going to retire very soon and that thought scared me. sometimes i surprise myself with my reactions. i think i need to have him around as support for the depression. he is the only person that i know who understands what is going on in my head and can analyse what i say and give positive, helpful feedback. no one else can. not carl, not my family, not dr. baker. but he can. so that is why i see him.
this was very helpful in clearing that up. after my session i was wondering what we had got done today that was helpful to dealing with depression since i didn't feel depressed anymore.
i can't wait until i'm done with my last final tommarow. i can finally say goodbye to this horrible semester and say hello to a wonderful winter and a fresh new semester. cheers!
the fish seem to be doing better, i've been doing some rigorous treatment to make sure they are cured of any ailments. i am also working on bringing down the nitrite levels...they are just too high.
i thought i had ordered some 'zines' from an underground publishing company a few weeks ago. i thought i had ordered the zines and not the t-shirt i was originally aiming for. but somehow....that did not happen. instead, i ordered the t-shirt. i really, have no idea how this happened. carl thinks its really quite humorous. i sent an email to the company asking if they could let me know what i had paid for. they said i purchased the shirt, and a month ago i had purchased a zine. that is correct. except....what happened to the stuff I THOUGHT I ORDERED?!
oh well, i went and ordered it again, or some of it. whatever i remembered, at least.
i see a psychologist, therapist..whatever you want to call him. the reason is because i have clinical depression. in other words....my depression is not triggered by any environmental issues. i don't have serious problems in my life, no changes, deaths, etc that would have caused depression. that means that i have a chemical imbalance of sorts caused by, what my psychologist believes, a growth spurt of the brain that occurs as one enters their twenties that leaves the brain vulernable to imbalances and the sort.
right, so....i had a session today. my second one with my new psychologist. his name is kenneth vanderlip, but i dont know if i should call him, "dr. vanderlip" or "ken" or "kenneth." he seems to refer to himself as "ken" but i don't know, he hasn't formally told me i can refer to him by his first name. although, i haven't had to use his name in conversation.
the point is, most people see a therapist to work out problems in their life. for example, my roommate saw a therapist over the summer to help her deal with her mom who was not dealing very well with the fact that she was going to be moving out of the house (she's never been more than 3 months away from her) and attend university a few hours away. or, another example is my mom. she saw a therapist a while back to help deal with childhood issues and i guess her relationship with my father.
but i see a therapist because...well, because people who suffer from depression need to see one. the problem is that i dont have serious set backs. as a matter of fact, i lead a generally normal life. and if anything, one that has been rather exciting. i've done a lot in my short life that many people would never dream of doing. everyone has problems. parents get divorced, your mother gets upset at you for one reason or another. but it's not life threatening or scarring. my parents divorce has not left me totally confused and guilty. as a matter of fact, my parents seem to be their happiest now that they are not living together. they go out all the time.
what i mean to say is that i don't know what to talk about in my sessions. everyday i have to rate how i feel on the 'depression scale.' 0 if i feel absolutely no depression and 10 if i feel like i'm just about ready to hang myself (or something like that). last time i saw him (a few weeks ago since last week he was out on holiday or something) i said i was about a 4. i had a new psychiatrist who said that the previous guy i saw (this is quite another story!) was not very good and said that i was on too low of a dosage, so he upped it that week. but at my session, i had not begun taking the increased amount. in other words, for the week before and up until then, i felt as though the medication was wearing off, like i was slowly progressing back to my vegetable state (really, it was horrible, i nearly ended up in the hospital). but today, i said i was about a 2.
well, good ol' kenny gave quite a surprised look. he asked, "do you think its the medication or some emotion change you've made?" i said, "i really think its the medication. i can really tell its working. i'll laugh at something that i know isn't all that funny, but i'll just laugh uncontrollably and say in mid laugh, 'i know this isn't all that funny! i just can't stop laughing!'"
today we mostly working on attitude change (when confronting tough situtations) and calming exercises. it sounds a bit silly, the last one, but i think there is a place for it. i was telling one of my roomates what i had to do and she said, "he sounds like an idiot!" i don't think he is. i think i was taking him far too out of context. i do that sometimes. he asked me if i was having any odd thoughts still or if they were becoming less. i told him that they were less, but when i felt too frustrated or sad about something, my first thought was to kill myself. and i told him that when i thought i would ask myself, 'why do i think that? why is that the first thing i think of?' he said it was because because of the depression and having been so depressed, that it becomes a defence mechanicism. i thought that was an interesting revelation. i think he's probably right.
writing this down, i think i'm realising why it is that i am see a therapist. while i don't have serious problems in my life, the thought of not having him around makes me a bit sad. he mentioned in our sessions that he's going to be 60 so he's nearing retirement. and at first i thought he meant he was going to retire very soon and that thought scared me. sometimes i surprise myself with my reactions. i think i need to have him around as support for the depression. he is the only person that i know who understands what is going on in my head and can analyse what i say and give positive, helpful feedback. no one else can. not carl, not my family, not dr. baker. but he can. so that is why i see him.
this was very helpful in clearing that up. after my session i was wondering what we had got done today that was helpful to dealing with depression since i didn't feel depressed anymore.
i can't wait until i'm done with my last final tommarow. i can finally say goodbye to this horrible semester and say hello to a wonderful winter and a fresh new semester. cheers!
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