day 2
second day of the winter break. boredom is sinking in. i got my schedule from work yesterday and it's not hopeful. they've put me on for nearly every day of the week. i had put in a request for added hours, but on the form it says to let them know at least 2 weeks ahead. so i figured that my schedule change would not come into affect for at least a week. well, i was wrong. the funny bit is, though, that whilst they jumped at the chance to put me on nearly every day, they were unable to meet my request that i cannot work on wedsnesdays before noon. as a matter of fact, i had asked not to be put on until after 2pm! that was overlooked entirely and i'm on from 11-8pm. today, i will get this sorted out. i was able to sort out a problem with rehersal interfering with a time they had put me on for, when, again, i had requested to be put on before a certain time.
i told my father i would be home tommarow, that was before i found out my schedule. i won't be home until thursday. i haven't told him the bad news.
i buried 2 more guppies today. one had been in my freezer for about a week and the other died yesterday sometime and spent the night in my freezer, as well. i buried them near the guppy that had died a few weeks ago and put a daisy over each plot. i also put a fresh flower on the other guppies grave. they look quite nice actually. especially the ones with the sunflowers. i buried them right where splashes of sunlight had managed to break through the surrounding trees shade. i said a few words, in my head, and left.
i finished the medication treatment for the fish yesterday by doing the last 25 percent water change. i think they'll be alright. i noticed something strange about one of the guppies though. i don't know if she is pregnant....or if she's ill. i noticed some darkness under her skin. she's rather translucent. i don't think i've seen this before and i'm afraid it could be some sort of internal bleeding. but i also noticed that she seemed a bit fatter. maybe it's just wishful thinking that i take this as a possible sign of pregnancy. i haven't researched guppy reproduction yet so i don't really know.
i go to work at 3pm today. i won't be home until midnight. i don't know what i'll do until 3, but hopefully i'll do something that makes me feel like i've done something enjoyable with my day before i spend the rest of it at work.
my intention for this journal was to keep it a bit lighthearted. i don't want it to turn into one of those journals where the writer talks about how miserable they are all the time and how everyone hates them, and how they hate everyone else, and how they want to kill themselves and all that sort. while, what i'm about to write isn't as extreme, it isn't as cheery as i would like, so this is your warning. turn around now if you do not want to read any laments.
i'm feeling a bit lonely. i suppose because i will spending much of my time at university because of work and not at home with my family or with my friends or carl. as a matter of fact, this morning i woke up and i was already missing school. i wanted to go class and see everyone and be in class and see my professors. i try to see the following weeks as a taste of what it is like to work full time in a minimum wage job because i haven't a formal education outside of high school. hopefully, it will be the hammer than smashes the final nail in the door, keeping me tightly locked into higher education until i've reached the highest degree within my area of study. or else....i don't know. maybe i'll just decide to move to france and be a wanderer.
another thing i want to talk about is my relationship with other people. i don't know why it is, but i find it easiest to relate to people who are older than me. mainly, several years older. mainly professors because they seem to be the only 'older people' that i come into contact the most frequently. the only problem is that they have lives of their own, busy lives. i'm just really intruding on their lives. i have to tell myself that i cannot be a part of their lives outside of the classroom and the occasional question. and if the professor takes a step outside of the student-teacher environment, i must not think much of it. the thing is that i'm afraid i've said the wrong thing, that i've scared them away. it makes me a bit sad because i really would like to be their friend. but i have to remind myself that older adults do not want friends with 'young adults'/children (or at least someone who is young enough to be their child). i tell myself that i have to stick to people closer to my age. the only problem is i don't relate to them as well. there are topics that i want to discuss that they do not care about or do not understand. if i start talking about a certain topic, often times they will say, "wow. you're so smart. you know so much." that just makes me upset because i do not think that what i know is a sign of greater intelligence. i think that anyone can know what i know, all it takes is a bit of reading or thought. i don't know what people my age are really concerned about. i think i share similar concerns, but perhaps they are at a less heightened level. i suppose it's a bit depressing. i suppose this is one of those things you are supposed to address in therapy.
here is another problem i have. i write too much. when i write a letter to someone, i seem to write so much in my letter and then when i get a response back, its only a few sentences. i don't know what to think. i've tried to cut down the amount of writing i put into letters nowadays. i try to limit my response or letter to as short as possible. a few sentences is best. a few short paragraphs, ok. but anything more, and i've blown it. i hate feeling so different sometimes. and the hard part is i don't understand what causes this wide gap to occur.
i suppose thats all i really wanted to write down. on another note, i think i'm running out of bubble gum. i shall have to restock! oh, guess what...i got perfect attendance at work so i got a 15 percent off coupon to add to my 15 percent employee discount. i think it expires within a few weeks, though. tricky, tricky. oh well. maybe i'll buy something this week. maybe i'll go christmas shopping.
i told my father i would be home tommarow, that was before i found out my schedule. i won't be home until thursday. i haven't told him the bad news.
i buried 2 more guppies today. one had been in my freezer for about a week and the other died yesterday sometime and spent the night in my freezer, as well. i buried them near the guppy that had died a few weeks ago and put a daisy over each plot. i also put a fresh flower on the other guppies grave. they look quite nice actually. especially the ones with the sunflowers. i buried them right where splashes of sunlight had managed to break through the surrounding trees shade. i said a few words, in my head, and left.
i finished the medication treatment for the fish yesterday by doing the last 25 percent water change. i think they'll be alright. i noticed something strange about one of the guppies though. i don't know if she is pregnant....or if she's ill. i noticed some darkness under her skin. she's rather translucent. i don't think i've seen this before and i'm afraid it could be some sort of internal bleeding. but i also noticed that she seemed a bit fatter. maybe it's just wishful thinking that i take this as a possible sign of pregnancy. i haven't researched guppy reproduction yet so i don't really know.
i go to work at 3pm today. i won't be home until midnight. i don't know what i'll do until 3, but hopefully i'll do something that makes me feel like i've done something enjoyable with my day before i spend the rest of it at work.
my intention for this journal was to keep it a bit lighthearted. i don't want it to turn into one of those journals where the writer talks about how miserable they are all the time and how everyone hates them, and how they hate everyone else, and how they want to kill themselves and all that sort. while, what i'm about to write isn't as extreme, it isn't as cheery as i would like, so this is your warning. turn around now if you do not want to read any laments.
i'm feeling a bit lonely. i suppose because i will spending much of my time at university because of work and not at home with my family or with my friends or carl. as a matter of fact, this morning i woke up and i was already missing school. i wanted to go class and see everyone and be in class and see my professors. i try to see the following weeks as a taste of what it is like to work full time in a minimum wage job because i haven't a formal education outside of high school. hopefully, it will be the hammer than smashes the final nail in the door, keeping me tightly locked into higher education until i've reached the highest degree within my area of study. or else....i don't know. maybe i'll just decide to move to france and be a wanderer.
another thing i want to talk about is my relationship with other people. i don't know why it is, but i find it easiest to relate to people who are older than me. mainly, several years older. mainly professors because they seem to be the only 'older people' that i come into contact the most frequently. the only problem is that they have lives of their own, busy lives. i'm just really intruding on their lives. i have to tell myself that i cannot be a part of their lives outside of the classroom and the occasional question. and if the professor takes a step outside of the student-teacher environment, i must not think much of it. the thing is that i'm afraid i've said the wrong thing, that i've scared them away. it makes me a bit sad because i really would like to be their friend. but i have to remind myself that older adults do not want friends with 'young adults'/children (or at least someone who is young enough to be their child). i tell myself that i have to stick to people closer to my age. the only problem is i don't relate to them as well. there are topics that i want to discuss that they do not care about or do not understand. if i start talking about a certain topic, often times they will say, "wow. you're so smart. you know so much." that just makes me upset because i do not think that what i know is a sign of greater intelligence. i think that anyone can know what i know, all it takes is a bit of reading or thought. i don't know what people my age are really concerned about. i think i share similar concerns, but perhaps they are at a less heightened level. i suppose it's a bit depressing. i suppose this is one of those things you are supposed to address in therapy.
here is another problem i have. i write too much. when i write a letter to someone, i seem to write so much in my letter and then when i get a response back, its only a few sentences. i don't know what to think. i've tried to cut down the amount of writing i put into letters nowadays. i try to limit my response or letter to as short as possible. a few sentences is best. a few short paragraphs, ok. but anything more, and i've blown it. i hate feeling so different sometimes. and the hard part is i don't understand what causes this wide gap to occur.
i suppose thats all i really wanted to write down. on another note, i think i'm running out of bubble gum. i shall have to restock! oh, guess what...i got perfect attendance at work so i got a 15 percent off coupon to add to my 15 percent employee discount. i think it expires within a few weeks, though. tricky, tricky. oh well. maybe i'll buy something this week. maybe i'll go christmas shopping.
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