the world the world is all around is all a round
my last fall term is coming to a close and it's getting ever more stressful. i took the GRE last weekend and it went worse than i expected. i forgot my drivers license (why is it that when a person who is responsible acts slightly irresponsible in order to be a normal college student, they have to pay for it later on??!!!) in the pocket of my jeans and had to rush back home and back to the test center. i felt that i was going crazy during the exam. it showed on the results. 530 on both the verbal and quantitative. i would say, "fine, you aren't that great in math, at least...you work very slow.. (i am capable of outscoring people on a math test). however, for me to score exactly the same in the verbal was really frightening. and so low at that! i'm going to retake the exam, hopefully i'll be a bit more rested and in a better state of mind so i'll improve my chances of performing well.
as the only musicologist-to-be at CSUF, it is funny to sit in on a music history lecture and still be the only one who knows the answers. i attended N_icole B_aker's History B class with my roommate. I think she wants everyone to hate me because she kept telling everyone that I was jumping out of my skin to give the answer. I kept saying, "Oh, I should shut up." So she said, "No way girl! You can join in!" So I thought, "Ok..." So I answered a question and she said, "Right...ok...how about someone who is actually in the class give the answer?" So then I thought, "What? She told me to answer!" I was confused. Anyhow, I was taking notes for my roommate at one point because she was doing a bad job at getting the good stuff.
so i suppose that proves i have a passion for history. or at least some weird ability to retain it. i wish i could take an exam that showed that ability. not some useless exam like the GRE.
i'm applying to UC Berkeley, UCLA and Cambridge (yes that is in the UK). However, Carl mentioned that Lloyd that I should apply to some other schools in the UK but he didn't say which. I want to apply to a few others in the UK, because Cambridge is competitive. I really want to be a part of a good program but I want to get in, too! I think I have a good chance with the UC's. I want to apply to some schools on the east coast but I don't know which programs are worth the effort. Does anyone know? Anyone? Anyone? Voodoo....voodoo....? Voodoo economics?
Here's my biggest problem. What am I going to do? I understand the biggest thing when you're there, in the program, is your relationship with your advisor. How do I know if the school has the right person for me? I look at the small bio's for the professors at some of the schools and I think, "I don't fit in with these people..." I'm too much of a radical musicologist! (haha, i don't even have the degree and i'm already calling myself that, what a joke) I feel like I want to tear musicology apart. Even though, it's where I want to be. I love doing research and learning about things I didn't know about.
sometimes i think i've become too anti-music. i feel like sometimes i just hate music. or, maybe i don't hate it but it seems that it doesn't satisfy. i want more from the music. is that the qualm of the studied musician? i feel so overly critical. i see other music students and they seem so pleased with themselves. i see them and i think they are oblivious. they annoy me. to be quite honest, the only musicians i can seem to get along with (this is just from the pool of music students at CSUF and does not include any which i have not met nor does it include those who are not students) are carl, ryan and marissa. carl is my boyfriend, so i really should get on with him, right? of course. ryan, carl and myself used to hang out our freshman year with a group of freshman and from that group we're the only ones that still hang out regularly. but besides that, we've grown together as people and as musicians and we're the only ones we can stand. marissa is basically my best friend whom ive known since freshman year MUS-109, our first music class (that includes carl and ryan). i can't explain her as a musician. maybe that's why i like her.
when i'm in class, particuarly when i'm bunched with carl and ryan, i feel like we're the outsiders. i also feel like the professors and everyone else knows it, too. that is, we aren't music educators-to-be, we don't want to make love to our horns, and we aren't drooling and foaming at the mouth whenever F_ennell walks by. we don't go with the flow at all. we argue with professors and walk around in masks of dead composers (and it's not even halloween). we don't care about decorum or about representing our program in a respectful manner. hell, we'd like to show the world what a sham it really is. and the irony is that we are probably the best students, at least when it comes to music theory and history. we are not poor musicians either. we've played in the top bands (and survived that hell hole). we're just like the antichrist in someways, i guess.
what am i trying to say? i think what i'm saying is that it's amazing that i want to continue on in music when i show such animosity towards it. maybe it's the school of thought that i show animosity toward. maybe that is why i worked so hard to make sure i get out in four years or less. i'm just afraid that i won't find the right program for me.
one of the reasons why i'm applying to cambridge is because one of the professors there wrote that they are interested in 'the history of music as it relates to the history of society.' i tend to think that that is really what i'm all about when it comes to music. personally, i want to focus on how hatred is revealed through music. hatred, oppression, etc. that professor seems to be the only one who seems to be closest to what i am interested in. i think there was one other professor there that was like him. UCLA has the "new musicology" people, those who i am not sure i want to get mixed up with. i'm not about trying to rationalise that which may not actually exist. however, i do agree with some of the stuff that's come out of that school. Berkeley, I'm not too sure of. Berkeley confuses me. I've scanned a bit of the stuff that the professors put out, and to me they all seem to be too focused on just the music. The only professor that seemed interesting was one of the ethnomusicologists there. Which leads me to ponder another question...
To ethno or not to ethno? I thought I wanted to become an ethnomusicologist last semester because I thought people like George Crumb should have no excuse to be so ignorant. However, I don't know what to do really. I really love music that is pre-18th century. It seems so raw and so new. Even for today. it's really wild. however, if you don't know. my undergraduate thesis falls more under ethnomusicology than general musicology. My paper was blessed with the name "Foundations for Jewish Music in American Society" (or something like that...ask N.B. she gave it the title). Of course, I'm working on the era that has the most music available. However, I'm really getting into those Russian Jews who came over to the US in the late 19th century and early 20th. I don't know about them music wise, though. The interesting part about my paper is that from a socio-economic-historical perspective, there is so much recourse. But from a musical perspective, there isn't much. So my research is to find out what was going on musically. That's good, because that's my area of expertise! anyhow, i think it is safe to say that it falls more under the ethnomusicology category than musicology.
well, now you know what's going through my mind these days in regard to music. am i suffering from dellusions?
as the only musicologist-to-be at CSUF, it is funny to sit in on a music history lecture and still be the only one who knows the answers. i attended N_icole B_aker's History B class with my roommate. I think she wants everyone to hate me because she kept telling everyone that I was jumping out of my skin to give the answer. I kept saying, "Oh, I should shut up." So she said, "No way girl! You can join in!" So I thought, "Ok..." So I answered a question and she said, "Right...ok...how about someone who is actually in the class give the answer?" So then I thought, "What? She told me to answer!" I was confused. Anyhow, I was taking notes for my roommate at one point because she was doing a bad job at getting the good stuff.
so i suppose that proves i have a passion for history. or at least some weird ability to retain it. i wish i could take an exam that showed that ability. not some useless exam like the GRE.
i'm applying to UC Berkeley, UCLA and Cambridge (yes that is in the UK). However, Carl mentioned that Lloyd that I should apply to some other schools in the UK but he didn't say which. I want to apply to a few others in the UK, because Cambridge is competitive. I really want to be a part of a good program but I want to get in, too! I think I have a good chance with the UC's. I want to apply to some schools on the east coast but I don't know which programs are worth the effort. Does anyone know? Anyone? Anyone? Voodoo....voodoo....? Voodoo economics?
Here's my biggest problem. What am I going to do? I understand the biggest thing when you're there, in the program, is your relationship with your advisor. How do I know if the school has the right person for me? I look at the small bio's for the professors at some of the schools and I think, "I don't fit in with these people..." I'm too much of a radical musicologist! (haha, i don't even have the degree and i'm already calling myself that, what a joke) I feel like I want to tear musicology apart. Even though, it's where I want to be. I love doing research and learning about things I didn't know about.
sometimes i think i've become too anti-music. i feel like sometimes i just hate music. or, maybe i don't hate it but it seems that it doesn't satisfy. i want more from the music. is that the qualm of the studied musician? i feel so overly critical. i see other music students and they seem so pleased with themselves. i see them and i think they are oblivious. they annoy me. to be quite honest, the only musicians i can seem to get along with (this is just from the pool of music students at CSUF and does not include any which i have not met nor does it include those who are not students) are carl, ryan and marissa. carl is my boyfriend, so i really should get on with him, right? of course. ryan, carl and myself used to hang out our freshman year with a group of freshman and from that group we're the only ones that still hang out regularly. but besides that, we've grown together as people and as musicians and we're the only ones we can stand. marissa is basically my best friend whom ive known since freshman year MUS-109, our first music class (that includes carl and ryan). i can't explain her as a musician. maybe that's why i like her.
when i'm in class, particuarly when i'm bunched with carl and ryan, i feel like we're the outsiders. i also feel like the professors and everyone else knows it, too. that is, we aren't music educators-to-be, we don't want to make love to our horns, and we aren't drooling and foaming at the mouth whenever F_ennell walks by. we don't go with the flow at all. we argue with professors and walk around in masks of dead composers (and it's not even halloween). we don't care about decorum or about representing our program in a respectful manner. hell, we'd like to show the world what a sham it really is. and the irony is that we are probably the best students, at least when it comes to music theory and history. we are not poor musicians either. we've played in the top bands (and survived that hell hole). we're just like the antichrist in someways, i guess.
what am i trying to say? i think what i'm saying is that it's amazing that i want to continue on in music when i show such animosity towards it. maybe it's the school of thought that i show animosity toward. maybe that is why i worked so hard to make sure i get out in four years or less. i'm just afraid that i won't find the right program for me.
one of the reasons why i'm applying to cambridge is because one of the professors there wrote that they are interested in 'the history of music as it relates to the history of society.' i tend to think that that is really what i'm all about when it comes to music. personally, i want to focus on how hatred is revealed through music. hatred, oppression, etc. that professor seems to be the only one who seems to be closest to what i am interested in. i think there was one other professor there that was like him. UCLA has the "new musicology" people, those who i am not sure i want to get mixed up with. i'm not about trying to rationalise that which may not actually exist. however, i do agree with some of the stuff that's come out of that school. Berkeley, I'm not too sure of. Berkeley confuses me. I've scanned a bit of the stuff that the professors put out, and to me they all seem to be too focused on just the music. The only professor that seemed interesting was one of the ethnomusicologists there. Which leads me to ponder another question...
To ethno or not to ethno? I thought I wanted to become an ethnomusicologist last semester because I thought people like George Crumb should have no excuse to be so ignorant. However, I don't know what to do really. I really love music that is pre-18th century. It seems so raw and so new. Even for today. it's really wild. however, if you don't know. my undergraduate thesis falls more under ethnomusicology than general musicology. My paper was blessed with the name "Foundations for Jewish Music in American Society" (or something like that...ask N.B. she gave it the title). Of course, I'm working on the era that has the most music available. However, I'm really getting into those Russian Jews who came over to the US in the late 19th century and early 20th. I don't know about them music wise, though. The interesting part about my paper is that from a socio-economic-historical perspective, there is so much recourse. But from a musical perspective, there isn't much. So my research is to find out what was going on musically. That's good, because that's my area of expertise! anyhow, i think it is safe to say that it falls more under the ethnomusicology category than musicology.
well, now you know what's going through my mind these days in regard to music. am i suffering from dellusions?
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home