while i sit here in the universities underground (student union) browsing the internet, i find myself slowly coming to terms with the reality that my spring break has officially started.
life is a continous row of rolling hills. everything rises, reaches it's peak, and then comes back down. that is how our emotions work. at least for me. school is like this. we start school, and we begin our trek up the hill. we reach the peak when we find that we can no longer handle sitting in class any longer and then when it is time to rest, we come down the hill. the only difference, i think, is that rolling hills generally do not abruptly come down on one side. i find that at the end of a build up of events, or a certain event, that i often find myself falling off the side of a cliff trying to figure out what is happening and when i do it's because i've slammed face first into it. i don't know what to do next. i don't know how to enjoy the free time anymore because i've become conditioned to working until i've nearly killed myself each day. i find that i have to relearn what it means to live. how do i enjoy life? i don't know.
lately i've been spending hour in the library listening to music. it's become an escape from reality for me, i suppose. that and pracitising on my oboe. reading and listening/playing music has become a bit of an obessesion for me as i try to hold on to the little bit of sanity that i have left.
as i get more and more exhausted, everything around me seems very frustrating and difficult. and, as i become more exhausted mentally my mind begins to trick me. i've come to recognise that my mind's subconscious begins to surface and i find it telling me to do things that i know are wrong. i am not hearing voices except my own. my own voice in my head, if you can imagine, has split. there is mine, which is the one that the concious self, you could say, and then there is my voice that i don't have total control over. my inner voice seeks a way out from reality, i think. my conscious self on the other hand, tries to keep pushing working for the finish.
what does my inner voice tell me? well it does not tell me to become an assasin nor does it tell me that i'm the new queen of the antartic. what it does tell me is that i should find the best way out. in the opinion of my inner voice, it is to end my life. it is very shocking, i know. especially when i do not agree with my inner voice.
it is hard trying to battle with yourself all the time. it's hard enough trying to battle with the people around you. i just want to lead a normal life and be successful. and live. living is most important. but i can't live when a part of me is telling me that i should be dead and i keep saying that i don't want to be dead that i enjoy living and i do not think that i am tired with life. i like myself and i like what i do and the people who i consider to be most important in my life, i love them and i appreciate them.
i have a week off from classes. i hope that this week will help me find some understanding.
