the rain came down, down, down...still coming down....

so hello! a bit of a hiatus, as you can see. it's a bit of a challenge trying to post from home since my computer is at university and the only computer i have access to (that has internet access) is my sister's....which, i might add, happens to be strategically placed in her room. i'm actually at the dorms right now. i'm on carl's computer at his place. i came over because i had to go into work today but i got a call this morning asking if i would like a "VTO"....well, i do not know exactly what that stands for, but it means i get the day off. so here i am.

in about a week i will be off to england. 10 days, actually. so a bit more than a week. i am looking forward to my 2 week holiday. it should be really a lot of fun. the bad news, though, is that the us currency has been snagged on a rock and is being slowly, and sadly, dragged underwater. four years ago, the currency exchange was at about 1 dollar to 65 pence. but now its 1 dollar to 51 pence. the dollar is litterally worth half in england. so if i take 1000 dollars, i'll have just 500 pounds. that is a bit depressing. although, i understand we won't be eating out much. so much of the money will be going to transportation. that will be costly, as it is.

i think carl and i will see 'motorcycle diaries' today. he doesn't know this yet, though. it's been raining all morning and it's been rainy all this past week. it's been rather nice. actually, we've had a wet winter and the closest thing to an actual winter in a while. last year was the most pathetic attempt at a winter. it was mostly hot and dry throughout the winter. it's almost two extremes. apparently it's el nino that is the cause. i don't mind. we had a bit of a break, yesterday, from the rain. it was nice. the rain is great, but when the sun comes out and the sky is clear, and not smoggy, it is quite a sight. tropical rain is quite nice as well.

carl is playing guitar on his roommates bed. he has taken to changing a single note within the peice which, not surprisingly, changes the peice completely. 'she'll be comin' 'round the mountain' will never be the same again. did you know it's a russian folk song?

as for the hopeful wishing about that one guppy, i was right. she is pregnant. she should be having her fry this week or next. i have not made much preparations.

it seems i have spilled a bit of pancake mix on my shoe. this is sad.

ginger....bread.

a few days before christmas and i am still at university. i have to work christmas eve until 7pm. after work, though, i'm going to drive home for christmas. finally, i'll be like in all those sappy films, "i'll be home for christmas." i could play that song as my theme when i get there...yeah..that's it...

i bought my family some gifts. minus my mom. i don't know what to get her. i'm also making cookies for the rest of my extended family. i haven't started. but i think they'll be alright. we'll see. who knows.

my music history professor is quite cool. she said i could write to her anytime. so i did. i wrote to her about a book i'm reading, i may have mentioned it before...anyhow, she responded to my letter quite promptly. apparently i know how to get a music history expert's attention (ask them questions about music history).

i should write this down...before i forget: rachel and taylor do not deserve cookies. but i'll give them cookies anyhow. i just remind myself, "keep your friends closer, but keep your enemies closer." or something like that. you know, treat your enemies as nice as you would treat your friend, etc, etc. so whilst, they aren't my enemies (they're family after all), they are annoying teenagers. who must die. or at least, grow up a bit. i think i won't talk to them until they're at least 18 years of age. so that means...in about 3 or 4 years. by then i might be getting my doctorate though, so i may on a totally different level. oh well. they'll catch up, eventually.

i suppose i should try making my cookies. we'll see how it goes.

arrested development

i got arrested development for christmas!!!!!!!

this is a most magical moment.

did you know that domenico scarlatti was known by his friends and contemporaries as "memo"? how cute. memo scarlatti, the man who was the piano sonata forrunner. a master of the galant style---at least more than his father who they say was far more old fashioned.

well, i haven't much else to write. carl is back from upland. he gave me arrested development and he said his grammy got me a present. thats very nice of her.

work is tiring, i want to shop for christmas stuff since i have all these discounts but every time i think about it, i think "i don't want to shop. i hate shopping." hopefully i'll find the strength to actually SHOP for gifts. it's a horrible thought....

day 2

second day of the winter break. boredom is sinking in. i got my schedule from work yesterday and it's not hopeful. they've put me on for nearly every day of the week. i had put in a request for added hours, but on the form it says to let them know at least 2 weeks ahead. so i figured that my schedule change would not come into affect for at least a week. well, i was wrong. the funny bit is, though, that whilst they jumped at the chance to put me on nearly every day, they were unable to meet my request that i cannot work on wedsnesdays before noon. as a matter of fact, i had asked not to be put on until after 2pm! that was overlooked entirely and i'm on from 11-8pm. today, i will get this sorted out. i was able to sort out a problem with rehersal interfering with a time they had put me on for, when, again, i had requested to be put on before a certain time.

i told my father i would be home tommarow, that was before i found out my schedule. i won't be home until thursday. i haven't told him the bad news.

i buried 2 more guppies today. one had been in my freezer for about a week and the other died yesterday sometime and spent the night in my freezer, as well. i buried them near the guppy that had died a few weeks ago and put a daisy over each plot. i also put a fresh flower on the other guppies grave. they look quite nice actually. especially the ones with the sunflowers. i buried them right where splashes of sunlight had managed to break through the surrounding trees shade. i said a few words, in my head, and left.

i finished the medication treatment for the fish yesterday by doing the last 25 percent water change. i think they'll be alright. i noticed something strange about one of the guppies though. i don't know if she is pregnant....or if she's ill. i noticed some darkness under her skin. she's rather translucent. i don't think i've seen this before and i'm afraid it could be some sort of internal bleeding. but i also noticed that she seemed a bit fatter. maybe it's just wishful thinking that i take this as a possible sign of pregnancy. i haven't researched guppy reproduction yet so i don't really know.

i go to work at 3pm today. i won't be home until midnight. i don't know what i'll do until 3, but hopefully i'll do something that makes me feel like i've done something enjoyable with my day before i spend the rest of it at work.

my intention for this journal was to keep it a bit lighthearted. i don't want it to turn into one of those journals where the writer talks about how miserable they are all the time and how everyone hates them, and how they hate everyone else, and how they want to kill themselves and all that sort. while, what i'm about to write isn't as extreme, it isn't as cheery as i would like, so this is your warning. turn around now if you do not want to read any laments.

i'm feeling a bit lonely. i suppose because i will spending much of my time at university because of work and not at home with my family or with my friends or carl. as a matter of fact, this morning i woke up and i was already missing school. i wanted to go class and see everyone and be in class and see my professors. i try to see the following weeks as a taste of what it is like to work full time in a minimum wage job because i haven't a formal education outside of high school. hopefully, it will be the hammer than smashes the final nail in the door, keeping me tightly locked into higher education until i've reached the highest degree within my area of study. or else....i don't know. maybe i'll just decide to move to france and be a wanderer.

another thing i want to talk about is my relationship with other people. i don't know why it is, but i find it easiest to relate to people who are older than me. mainly, several years older. mainly professors because they seem to be the only 'older people' that i come into contact the most frequently. the only problem is that they have lives of their own, busy lives. i'm just really intruding on their lives. i have to tell myself that i cannot be a part of their lives outside of the classroom and the occasional question. and if the professor takes a step outside of the student-teacher environment, i must not think much of it. the thing is that i'm afraid i've said the wrong thing, that i've scared them away. it makes me a bit sad because i really would like to be their friend. but i have to remind myself that older adults do not want friends with 'young adults'/children (or at least someone who is young enough to be their child). i tell myself that i have to stick to people closer to my age. the only problem is i don't relate to them as well. there are topics that i want to discuss that they do not care about or do not understand. if i start talking about a certain topic, often times they will say, "wow. you're so smart. you know so much." that just makes me upset because i do not think that what i know is a sign of greater intelligence. i think that anyone can know what i know, all it takes is a bit of reading or thought. i don't know what people my age are really concerned about. i think i share similar concerns, but perhaps they are at a less heightened level. i suppose it's a bit depressing. i suppose this is one of those things you are supposed to address in therapy.

here is another problem i have. i write too much. when i write a letter to someone, i seem to write so much in my letter and then when i get a response back, its only a few sentences. i don't know what to think. i've tried to cut down the amount of writing i put into letters nowadays. i try to limit my response or letter to as short as possible. a few sentences is best. a few short paragraphs, ok. but anything more, and i've blown it. i hate feeling so different sometimes. and the hard part is i don't understand what causes this wide gap to occur.

i suppose thats all i really wanted to write down. on another note, i think i'm running out of bubble gum. i shall have to restock! oh, guess what...i got perfect attendance at work so i got a 15 percent off coupon to add to my 15 percent employee discount. i think it expires within a few weeks, though. tricky, tricky. oh well. maybe i'll buy something this week. maybe i'll go christmas shopping.

yes spongebob, i can play in jelly fields now.

finally, finals are over. i had my last final today, music history. i think it went alright. i get a bit paranoid when i am studying for a exam in history. i look at the review sheet or study guide that was passed out in class and i think, "i don't know any of this. it's all just mush in my head, or not there at all." then i start telling everyone that i don't know the material, i've read it and read it, but it doesn't sink in.

i guess i do this all the time because no one ever believes me. each time i say, "no, really. this time i'm serious. i'm not going to do well, i don't remember anything." i guess i did fine on the final. i try to be modest.

so what are my plans for the beautiful winter break? oh my. OH MY INDEED! well, we open up the winter break with me taking my good friend (leaning toward best friend) marissa out to lunch for passing her jury and getting a level change. i knew she could do it. then, in the evening i plan to see a film with carl. except, i just found out that "The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou" doesn't come out until Christmas! what is wrong with these PEOPLE? i'll have to settle on something else, then.

as for long term, getting better on the oboe. read through some books i checked out from the library (one is on the galant style during the late 17th-18th century in music history and another book by a man named Casanova who lived in the 17th century and was quite...the cassanova). and....the highlight: trip to England. i'll be gone from jan. 11th until jan. 24th. i can't wait.

i don't think i've ever looked forward to the winter holiday more than i do this year. it's just so fantastic.

do i see snow?

finals week is almost over. my last final is on thursday, yay! music history final....should be fun. my professor thinks i'm mental. she thinks i'm going to jump off a cliff anyday now....but that's alright, at least she is concerned about my well being...!

the fish seem to be doing better, i've been doing some rigorous treatment to make sure they are cured of any ailments. i am also working on bringing down the nitrite levels...they are just too high.

i thought i had ordered some 'zines' from an underground publishing company a few weeks ago. i thought i had ordered the zines and not the t-shirt i was originally aiming for. but somehow....that did not happen. instead, i ordered the t-shirt. i really, have no idea how this happened. carl thinks its really quite humorous. i sent an email to the company asking if they could let me know what i had paid for. they said i purchased the shirt, and a month ago i had purchased a zine. that is correct. except....what happened to the stuff I THOUGHT I ORDERED?!

oh well, i went and ordered it again, or some of it. whatever i remembered, at least.

i see a psychologist, therapist..whatever you want to call him. the reason is because i have clinical depression. in other words....my depression is not triggered by any environmental issues. i don't have serious problems in my life, no changes, deaths, etc that would have caused depression. that means that i have a chemical imbalance of sorts caused by, what my psychologist believes, a growth spurt of the brain that occurs as one enters their twenties that leaves the brain vulernable to imbalances and the sort.

right, so....i had a session today. my second one with my new psychologist. his name is kenneth vanderlip, but i dont know if i should call him, "dr. vanderlip" or "ken" or "kenneth." he seems to refer to himself as "ken" but i don't know, he hasn't formally told me i can refer to him by his first name. although, i haven't had to use his name in conversation.

the point is, most people see a therapist to work out problems in their life. for example, my roommate saw a therapist over the summer to help her deal with her mom who was not dealing very well with the fact that she was going to be moving out of the house (she's never been more than 3 months away from her) and attend university a few hours away. or, another example is my mom. she saw a therapist a while back to help deal with childhood issues and i guess her relationship with my father.

but i see a therapist because...well, because people who suffer from depression need to see one. the problem is that i dont have serious set backs. as a matter of fact, i lead a generally normal life. and if anything, one that has been rather exciting. i've done a lot in my short life that many people would never dream of doing. everyone has problems. parents get divorced, your mother gets upset at you for one reason or another. but it's not life threatening or scarring. my parents divorce has not left me totally confused and guilty. as a matter of fact, my parents seem to be their happiest now that they are not living together. they go out all the time.

what i mean to say is that i don't know what to talk about in my sessions. everyday i have to rate how i feel on the 'depression scale.' 0 if i feel absolutely no depression and 10 if i feel like i'm just about ready to hang myself (or something like that). last time i saw him (a few weeks ago since last week he was out on holiday or something) i said i was about a 4. i had a new psychiatrist who said that the previous guy i saw (this is quite another story!) was not very good and said that i was on too low of a dosage, so he upped it that week. but at my session, i had not begun taking the increased amount. in other words, for the week before and up until then, i felt as though the medication was wearing off, like i was slowly progressing back to my vegetable state (really, it was horrible, i nearly ended up in the hospital). but today, i said i was about a 2.

well, good ol' kenny gave quite a surprised look. he asked, "do you think its the medication or some emotion change you've made?" i said, "i really think its the medication. i can really tell its working. i'll laugh at something that i know isn't all that funny, but i'll just laugh uncontrollably and say in mid laugh, 'i know this isn't all that funny! i just can't stop laughing!'"

today we mostly working on attitude change (when confronting tough situtations) and calming exercises. it sounds a bit silly, the last one, but i think there is a place for it. i was telling one of my roomates what i had to do and she said, "he sounds like an idiot!" i don't think he is. i think i was taking him far too out of context. i do that sometimes. he asked me if i was having any odd thoughts still or if they were becoming less. i told him that they were less, but when i felt too frustrated or sad about something, my first thought was to kill myself. and i told him that when i thought i would ask myself, 'why do i think that? why is that the first thing i think of?' he said it was because because of the depression and having been so depressed, that it becomes a defence mechanicism. i thought that was an interesting revelation. i think he's probably right.

writing this down, i think i'm realising why it is that i am see a therapist. while i don't have serious problems in my life, the thought of not having him around makes me a bit sad. he mentioned in our sessions that he's going to be 60 so he's nearing retirement. and at first i thought he meant he was going to retire very soon and that thought scared me. sometimes i surprise myself with my reactions. i think i need to have him around as support for the depression. he is the only person that i know who understands what is going on in my head and can analyse what i say and give positive, helpful feedback. no one else can. not carl, not my family, not dr. baker. but he can. so that is why i see him.

this was very helpful in clearing that up. after my session i was wondering what we had got done today that was helpful to dealing with depression since i didn't feel depressed anymore.

i can't wait until i'm done with my last final tommarow. i can finally say goodbye to this horrible semester and say hello to a wonderful winter and a fresh new semester. cheers!

finals are here again!

well, a few days ago i tried to enter a post but for some reason i never got a chance to.

this weekend was rather busy as i spent friday, saturday, and sunday, playing a church gig. it was SUPPPERRRRR!

if you are a seventh day adventist....please don't take this in offence,
WOW. very different church than any i've ever been too. i mean, i've been to buddhist temples, born again christian churches, catholic, angelican, and lutheran. although, the latter three are nearly all the same. but it was very different.

they had a baptism the day we performed during their service. the pastor was in a booth behind and above and the person to be baptised would stand next to him. the pastor wore a black robe whilst those to be baptised wore a white robe. that wasn't the interesting part!

it was hard to turn around and see what was going on so i just stared at my oboe whilst the pastor spoke about the person to be baptised and how great it was, etc. and then i heard this loud "SWOOOSSHSHSH" and i turned around but couldn't figure out where it came from but i noticed that the person who was just baptised was really rather wet.

so they baptised a couple of people, and finally, i realised what was going on. they were in a booth that is filled with really blue looking water that was contained in a clear sort of thing and the pastor would take a white hand towel and place it over the baptised-to-be's face and dunked them, backward, into the water.

it was like, whoa.

so i had my jury today and i got a B. yayayayayay! no more jury until may! if you don't know what a jury is, thats alright. its just a music student thing where they have to perform before a panel to keep their free lessons that the state so kindly grants them.

i almost got away with completing all of my finals in one day and having the rest of the week off. unfortunately, i will be taking my history final on thursday. oh well. i'll still have loads of free time.

i must get back to my studying....calculus beckons!

for your enjoyment...




good ol' foal!

vertigo

it's a bird! it's a plane! it's jimmy stewart! uhm...no, wait.

did you know that vertigo isn't really like it is in the film vertigo? maybe you did....i didn't!

it turns out i seem to be getting these moments of vertigo. poor me. send me flowers...and money, please.

carl thinks that we should cut back on our sugar intake, but really he means that i should becuase i love to eat candy. i can't help it. it's just so scrumptious...i want to eat it all the time. yum yum! well, not all the time. i mean, i love vegetables too, and i want to eat lettuce all the time as well. and i might prefer cucumbers over a peice of gum. but i love candy! i should write a poem...an ode to candy...

it would go something like this:

oh candy, you are so beautiful
you are the fruit of life
if you were part of the sacred mass, Bach would surely have written over 100 cantatas about your holyness.
you melt in my mouth
oh sweet lucious sweets, why aren't everlasting gumdrops real?
i love you....amen.

anyhow....i'm not obssesed with candy. i swear. hopefully i'll get those pictures of the funeral tommarow and i might be going home on thursday for a little bit and i will pick up my scanner and bring it back to the university so i can scan them online. i think they probably came out quite nice.

three cheers for the end of the term! england here i come!

the funeral

we buired 'sick fish' in the arboretum at 12:30 pm. The sky was clear as it had just rained yesterday and the clouds had moved on.

I took a lot of photos of the burial site, 'sick fish' being put into his grave, the flowers that i had picked for him, etc. we buried him under a western something mahagony tree. we threw in some plant seeds in hopes that 'sick fish' would, in losing his life, give life. i think the seeds were from a dragon snap bush type thing. carl picked them out.

unfortunately, the photo montage will have to wait since i use a 35mm camera and not a digital one.

today's lesson: don't be a hero-worshiper.

testing

trying out this email-to-post feature.

history is for nerds

i am a nerd. i like history. i like music history. i am studying music history as my major. but i am also lazy. and i am typing in this window instead of in msword2000 where my research paper is located.

i only created this about an hour ago and already i have visitors! hello julia. thanks for the comment.

be there, or be a dead guppy.

burial will occur sometime afternoon. maybe between noon-2pm. i need a shovel. i'll be taking my camera.

sicke, sicke, and very sicke

today is a sad day in the life of my dorm room aquarium.

a guppy has passed away.

i purchased 6 guppies on saturday. after i had released them into the tank i noticed that one of them was swimming a bit limp. i knew it was ill. so i began immediate tank treatment in hopes he would recover.

the next day he was looking a lot better, i thought for sure he would survive. sadly, this morning when i went to turn on their artificial lighting, i found the poor guppy face down in the substrate. every morning i always do a head count to make sure everyone is alive. i had only counted five guppies and so i began to search for the other in the plants. and there he was. i had the smallest ounce of hope that maybe he was just sleeping kind of funny. guppies are weird anyhow, right? and besides, i just got the guppies so i really don't know their behavior completely.

i was wrong. it was hard having to scoop the little guy out of the tank with my net. i thought to myself, "now what? where is carl? where is he so i can tell him the bad news and he can help me bury him outside in the arboretum?" well, he is at work right now. until noon.

i have placed the guppy in a sandwich plastic ziplock bag. currently, the guppy is lying on my bed. but eventually, he will have a proper burial. if you would like to attend this burial, please let me know. you can give me a call on my mobile or email me.